The Wait of My Life

Today has been hard.  I found out another person committed suicide from my vascular compression Facebook group, which makes 4 this week and she was just about to have surgery. So many emotions on top of having another flare up start yesterday when I actually had a week free of abdominal pain like pre ER visit. I've been in the wait of my life right now. Waiting to finally hear from the vascular surgeon to diagnose the MALS and SMAS and tell me if he can fix it and what we will do for surgery.


Some of the last posts one of my fellow warriors posted was spreading awareness about our rare illnesses. The last things she wanted to do was help others not experience what she was. What is so difficult is that every time this happens to this Facebook group, the loss of one of us, our hearts break because it could be us. The pain is so real and you understand completely how it just gets too much. Or that it was found too late, too much damage was done that their bodies couldn't take it anymore, or the surgery was too risky and the risk was greater, or the unforeseen complications won the fight of the toughest fighters that have ever lived.


I have been writing a book, which is the purpose God has put on my heart to fulfill by going through many experiences in my life teaching me about waiting. I knew this wait would far exceed the others, but also reap what I've sowed in each chapter I write about to land me here, telling everyone, no shouting to everyone what I proclaim - to have hope in the wait. It's easy to talk or write about staying positive when life is good and you aren't experiencing difficulties. Well, I'm here experiencing the most difficult thing in my life and I am praising God. I'm finding things to be thankful for. And I'm having hope in the wait. Because my story is His story.


I had made some way with a book title, outline, first chapter, and then I let the excuses get in the way. I don't want to sacrifice time away from the kids, oh I still need more answers before I can write more, I'm just waiting for the energy or motivation to strike. I keep forgetting that it's not me writing this book and that every time I sit down to start, the words start flowing and they aren't my words. Things coming together, thoughts perfectly leaving my brain and explaining exactly what I mean and what I want to convey, this is a big deal since brain fog is a huge symptom of all my issues and stringing together a sentence to someone is usually a struggle.


Life is hard, ya'll. God didn't promise it wouldn't be though. What He did promise is that He would be with me every step of the way, and I'm here to tell you He has been, ever since I let Him. Ever since I let Him take control, and God knows I really really liked to be in control and still do, but I've learned it's not going to work unless I give it to God. That makes paying attention to all the things I wouldn't have expected while I was in control to be that much more extraordinary. The little exclamation points He puts on blessings and gifts so you know they are from Him. If you read, or have read my book than you will understand the ones I mention.


Another point I would like to point out is that we go through things to help share with other people. It is easy to want to be ashamed or keep those things hidden, especially if you are an introvert/perfectionist like me where exposing "my stuff" is not something I would prefer to do. God is leading me to share this and I'm going to trust that it's to help someone else just like other people have helped me.