Hope

Right before my stent surgery I had a not so great phone call. Heard back from another vascular surgeon for my MALS and was told after all of the time and energy I spent getting all my files and tests and imaging to them, that I needed a complete work up again (another colonoscopy/endoscopy as well) because it was five years ago when it was done and it had to be more recent before the doctor would even look at my imaging. To say I was discouraged after that phone call would be an understatement. I could not believe even after finding new doctors and a path, that I would still have this happen to me. It just reminded me of how many doors had been shut in my face, how difficult this whole journey has been, and how I've just had to keep fighting and fighting for more disappointment. Those of you know who you are that I called in tears. I just couldn't understand. Why God? Why does every single thing seem so hard? Of course my sweet family & friends didn't know what to say, but to comfort me.


Skip to the next day. I was trying to pack and prepare for being gone a week and was just completely overwhelmed. To say the week prior to surgery was just a little rocky would be far from the truth, it was a bad week. I get a text from my sister that her friend who she shared my story with had made some arm covers for my PICC Line and was wondering if she could drop them off before we left.  Not only was it just a huge blessing that she crocheted these perfect fitting covers for me without asking for payment and created for a stranger, but she let God use her and every single word that came out of her mouth was exactly what God had been telling me this past year. It was the sweet, sweet reminder I needed to hear. She told me that the word "Hope" just kept coming to her and to tell me none of the things that were happening was because of me, but that God was using me for people to see Him. I'm of course bawling as I'm typing all of this. After she left I had to have my sister send her a picture of the journal I had bought as a reminder and let her know Hope was in the title of my book I've been writing.


I can't tell you how many times this past year with all my appointments, traveling, procedures, tests where someone starts asking questions, I start sharing my story, and they do a double take. First off they can't believe what I've been through and second of all they can't believe I still have a smile on my face and a positive attitude. It's a perfect opportunity to share my testimony and what God has done in my life and continues to do. Of course the rest of that weekend God didn't stop giving me more reminders, answers, and peace. I come across this article about someone needs to see you suffer well. I have finally found my purpose. I had been searching and nothing quite fit or explained why until that bad week. I had two women call me for first the pre op to get my PICC Line put in, and then my pre op for my stent surgery. They have to go through and ask all these questions and they start to ask more questions that aren't the required ones, and I hear a change in their voice especially when they find out I have two young ones at home. I may not know why they had to hear my story or see me suffering well, but I can have faith there's a reason and I'm going to let Him use me for it.


Another just huge like epiphany that I had that week was what if I hadn't gone through what I have? There's no way I would have the confidence to share my testimony. I am an introvert. I am a perfectionist. You better believe there is doubt and fear about sharing any of myself or what I'm going through. What keeps me tucking that away and doing it anyway is that I can't miss the chance for someone to be led to God. He is the only thing that gets me through every single second, minute, hour, day and I want you to know Him so you can also get through every single second, minute, hour, and day when things get tough.

Philippians 1:20: "It is my eager expectation and hope that I will not be at all ashamed, but that with full courage now as always Christ will be honored in my body, whether by life or by death" (ESV).