I've been very fortunate on this journey, and specifically the Germany trip, that God gives me so much confirmation that this is the right path, His path. I know for my family & friends who care about my health & wellbeing, any surgery is risky & flying to another country for it, well of course we had to have those discussions if I didn't make it. Although I have so much peace and am ready for Tuesday, I know a few who won't help but worry about me and haven't necessarily been given the same peace I have about everything. I had this post written that I never ended up sharing back in February. I decided what better way to remind how God is there than to revisit the memories of when He has been. Also, I know so many are not getting to experience the pregnancy or delivery like they dreamed of because of COVID. This hurts my heart, but I hope I can give you some encouragement that there can be so much joy even when things turn out far from what you expect.
I remember telling my sister shortly after we were back at home with L that God laid it on my heart that there was a reason he saved me that day. I kept that with me and reminded myself after my debilitating pain came back. You can read the post below
Paul 1:3-7: He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When others are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. You can be sure that the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ. So when we are weighed down with troubles, it is for your benefit and salvation! For when God comforts us, it is so that we, in turn, can be an encouragement to you. Then you can patiently endure the same things we suffer. We are confident that as you share in suffering, you will also share God's comfort."
January 2, 2018 I had my specialist appointment I'd been seeing since the MTHFR gene mutation bloodwork came back positive (just means you can be more likely to have high blood pressure or preeclampsia so they monitor and do ultrasounds more often). At my 20 week appointment, my doctor noticed that I did have a low lying placenta, which in most cases resolves itself by the time of labor. At my appointment that Tuesday, the placenta was still low, but plenty of time to still move before 34 weeks when we'd start having to talk about scheduling a c section if it did not. At that time he did see blood in the ultrasound and warned that it would be normal for me to have some bleeding.
A week later, I did start bleeding. Because it had been quite a bit more than just spotting and I had been having contractions the previous two days, we went to the hospital just to make sure baby was ok. They ended up keeping me overnight and it was a relief to confirm I indeed was having contractions so they were able to monitor, but also give me some pain medicine for the cramping. Best rest I got so far in my pregnancy! I was given steroid shots for the baby and because my bleeding did stop, I was able to be sent home.
The next day I had my routine pregnancy check up with my OBGYN and we discussed staying at home on bed rest and that we were at a good place if we had to deliver the baby then (I was 30 weeks and baby had the steroid shots), but that there was plenty of time for the placenta to move and be hopeful.
They monitored me all night and the next morning. My sister called me early that morning while we were waiting for the ultrasound, and she told me about another dream that she had about bleeding. It was another confirmation that we definitely needed at that time. The ultrasound still showed I had a partial placenta previa and a big blood clot in front of my cervix. With the partial, the baby only had to move 2 cm away from my cervix to try for a normal delivery. Baby was also head first and wasn't dilated yet, which was really good news with my contractions and why I hadn't needed to be given any medicines just yet to stop labor. All my blood levels came back normal even for being pregnant and having a baseball size blood clot the night before. At that time we were just watching my bleeding and contractions and keeping my cramping pain at bay. I never got tired of being hooked up to the monitor and getting to hear her heartbeat.
For two weeks I would continue having gushing and blood clots on and off moving into L&D and back to Mother/Baby after I'd start to spot. On Jan 24th (at 32 weeks), my placenta moved up to my cervix instead of away, so it meant a definite c section. In the meantime I tried Procardia to stop my contractions, but I had a terrible reaction to it and had to stop. On the 29th I got a 2nd round of steroid shots because I kept continuing to bleed, but the specialist wanted L to stay in there as long as possible. On Feb 2nd, I had 4 or 5 blood clots at a time and I was put on complete bed rest. That morning I had more gushing even with a bed pan, and then when I had another baseball size clot is when the on call doctor told me he was longer comfortable waiting and we would do an emergency c section as soon as the doctors and nurses were ready. Unfortunately they could not get a hold of my doctor at that time, but the on call doctor actually delivered my husband when he was a baby so we had peace that we were in good hands. Even writing this still is a little difficult because we're so thankful the doctor didn't wait. I hemorrhaged on the operating table and our baby had been swallowing blood.
There is a reason I didn't get my traditional first family picture. I felt when they started the c section so they had to give me ketamine, which puts you out immediately thank goodness, but I thought I'd died because hallucinations are a big thing with that drug. A few months after I was talking to my husband about what he experienced during L's birth, I mean I knew what I experienced, but he went through it and saw much more than I did of it. He admitted to me that after they took out L, he had a peace that she would be ok, but when he looked over and saw me, he didn't have that same feeling. Knowing how much blood is in the body and seeing how much I had lost on the table, he had fear. I did wake up though, and our precious little bundle also was ok, in the NICU, but ok.
I also want to share how God used so many during that very scary time. Of course the nurses blessed me abundantly and made sure I had the best room in the house (even though I kept moving back and forth). Seriously those sunrises I got to view every morning. The janitor - oh no definitely not going to get through writing this paragraph without tears running down my face - who barely spoke English, always checked on me daily and wanted to know how I was doing. The day I was getting released, she came and found me and had gone with her daughter to pick out an outfit for our baby. I will never forget her, or the food server who made sure I had whatever I needed for my special dietary restrictions. One day I was having a really difficult time staying strong and I don't even know how it got brought up, but she experienced the exact same thing I was going through. I mean down to the she had an almost 2 year old little girl at home then when she was on hospital bed rest for bleeding. God speaks through you people, I mean ^.
There's more. One of my nurses, I swam with in high school and she requested me every time she worked. The nurses would bring me desserts they had or give me treats and drinks if they ordered meals out. They would also come in & hang out or say hi if things were slow even if I wasn't their patient. A surprise visit for my birthday from my dad who lives in Alaska ended up being perfect timing. He got to the hospital on the 3rd & asked what room I was in and that's when they told him I was in the OR. My brother and sister-in-law had already planned to come in the 4th before we also knew about our L's surprise appearance so it also worked out perfectly because they were able to help watch our W so my husband could stay with me and we could visit L every 3 hours in the NICU.
I'm writing this last part for me. I will never forget how determined I was to meet my baby girl for the first time and only just a few hours after surgery I walked to the NICU (it was the requirement for me to go) and even though I started bleeding everywhere including on the floor and we had to leave quickly after, I have no regrets. We wanted to wait to name her until we finally got to hold her, which was at 11 the next afternoon. So.worth.the.wait. I'll never forget that moment with my husband. We're so glad we waited to meet our little one before deciding on her name and that night at 11 PM visitation we got to help give her a bath. We will always be in debt to those wonderful NICU nurses and once you've seen what they do and how they love on those babies, you will have a special heart for them. We were pretty proud to take part in the March of Dimes Walk a couple months later and give back to all they gave to us.
I try to speak up about the PTSD that I had after the experience because so many people feel like it's a taboo subject, but if we don't talk about it, someone may not know that they need help. For me, I really started to notice something was going on when I would watch a show that would have something about labor or babies. I also couldn't get that fear of expecting another blood clot or bleeding to happen and I would have a lot of flashbacks to when they started surgery. I'm so very thankful that my aunt was a psychiatric nurse and brought up my concern to her. I think it was such a relief to hear that of course I had PTSD from everything that happened, it was traumatic, and there were things I could do to help.
I started slowly trying to write out about the parts that I could or start to talk about them, and then eventually I was able to tackle the harder stuff that I hadn't been able to before. I will never forget going to visit my husband's grandma in the hospital by myself after she had her gallbladder removed. I was not expecting the panic attack that I had from just all the memories coming back from the smell, to seeing the bathroom and little urine measuring hat. I remember asking my sister-in-law if she thought triggers like that would ever go away and she said they may not, but they will get fewer and far between as more time goes on. She was right, they definitely have and what actually was a beautiful I would say ending to my PTSD was when I got to be in the room and witness one of my best friends giving birth. I'm forever grateful she wanted me there and gave me that opportunity for closure.
I'm also grateful that I documented the experience and now able to write about it to share with you. As scary and difficult as that whole situation was, it was a turning point for me to really appreciate every moment and focus on what really matters in life because when I was on bed rest, the travels or things I accomplished didn't matter, it's just spending those special times with people you love.
If you think you might have EDS, please research and understand the risks during pregnancy:
https://www.magonlinelibrary.com/doi/full/10.12968/bjom.2018.26.4.217?fbclid=IwAR1Otu3h9w7xMqfYEBHZUbei-pvlC-kBn5RB29ZQL9C4o4Kwxsqkz8j-puA&
https://www.dropbox.com/s/2s0uxysnllhef97/hEDS-during-pregnancy-birth-beyond-bjom.2018.26.4.217.pdf?dl=0
I started slowly trying to write out about the parts that I could or start to talk about them, and then eventually I was able to tackle the harder stuff that I hadn't been able to before. I will never forget going to visit my husband's grandma in the hospital by myself after she had her gallbladder removed. I was not expecting the panic attack that I had from just all the memories coming back from the smell, to seeing the bathroom and little urine measuring hat. I remember asking my sister-in-law if she thought triggers like that would ever go away and she said they may not, but they will get fewer and far between as more time goes on. She was right, they definitely have and what actually was a beautiful I would say ending to my PTSD was when I got to be in the room and witness one of my best friends giving birth. I'm forever grateful she wanted me there and gave me that opportunity for closure.
I'm also grateful that I documented the experience and now able to write about it to share with you. As scary and difficult as that whole situation was, it was a turning point for me to really appreciate every moment and focus on what really matters in life because when I was on bed rest, the travels or things I accomplished didn't matter, it's just spending those special times with people you love.
If you think you might have EDS, please research and understand the risks during pregnancy:
https://www.magonlinelibrary.com/doi/full/10.12968/bjom.2018.26.4.217?fbclid=IwAR1Otu3h9w7xMqfYEBHZUbei-pvlC-kBn5RB29ZQL9C4o4Kwxsqkz8j-puA&
https://www.dropbox.com/s/2s0uxysnllhef97/hEDS-during-pregnancy-birth-beyond-bjom.2018.26.4.217.pdf?dl=0
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