Birthday Thoughts

When you have chronic pain or rare illness, you can't help be confronted with your mortality. Some that experience this life it's very easy to think about when we finally go to be with Jesus and no longer suffering. I know this might be the opposite of my usual posts, but I feel like I had a lot of times the past year to think about when I'm gone and the opportunity I still have being on this earth now at 34. 

I knew that God saved my life when I had my 2nd child. I remember telling my sister there was a reason that doctor said we couldn't wait and needed an emergency c section, and if I hadn't been on the operating table when I hemorrhaged, well, not quite sure if my daughter and I would have survived. There is a testimony within so many details of that story from God giving us peace because that on call doctor was the one who actually delivered my husband to my food server going through the exact same thing with a daughter the same age at home. Although I thought my purpose and second chance at life were different than I originally thought, I would see that He'd give me extra time to write my story and give hope to others.

We don't know what we will experience in this life. It might be chronic illness. It might be loss of a loved one. I remember bringing up to my husband how guilty I felt when I learned about my EDS and how there were signs both our girls had it. He said the most perfect thing. If our girls never experience hardships how will they ever learn to fight and overcome? That rocked my world. It reminds me that I didn't know how I could ever see my suffering and pain as positive or say I was thankful for it because of what it's done to my family, but you know what? As my faith has grown and God has showed incredible moments, beautiful moments in the most unexpected and ugly, hard, trying times, I now completely understand and can say I wouldn't change it. I hope that one day if I'm no longer on this earth, that my husband and girls will see the glory in God's plan even when it's unfathomable how they can deal or go on in grief.

I think back to my friend who had lost her sister of cancer way too young, way too healthy, way too beautiful, way too kind, way too unfair. How can you see the plan in that or any goodness from it? I sat and cried with my friend. All that came to my mind was how we that lose people will never take for granted a moment with those we love. We make an effort to see them because we know life isn't guaranteed and we cherish the time we do have together. People who know that feeling that you can't even put into words are given that gift of perspective. Does it take away the pain or sadness? Of course not. But it's why our faith comes into play during these times. My reasoning for this post is to share my faith and that life is so much better when you give it to God. He makes you see light in the darkest of times. I don't know what's in store for the rest of my life, but God has done so much in me I can't not share about Him.

Many times I've had to pray for reassurance because as humans doubt and worry seem at every corner. It's ok to ask for that peace or help to go on. When I realized that, it was life changing. I had a lot of weak moments and I still will, but when I pray and say God I need some encouragement, He has ALWAYS answered my prayer. That is why I will continue writing about the times He shows me how He's working and how He's been there. Because when we are in it, oh, how it can be hard to see the whys or any possible goodness of the worst possible things. But He can heal and show us comfort during those times if we let Him.

I remember my grandmother talking about when she would die and even drive around looking at her burial plot with us. At the time I thought it was so morbid and wondered how she could do that. Shortly after my husband and I were engaged we went to a marriage class and they talked about death and how it can actually be a gift to plan and discuss before it happens. Instead of having to stress about all the funeral details, loved ones can remember and celebrate the life they lived. I hope in sharing this that it can change your idea about death and preparing for it. Becoming at peace that we are not in control and if it happens, I want my loved ones to know I'm ok.